Many people today strive for optimal health. One of the latest fads is colon cleansing: the ingestion of laxatives, or blasting water up your ass.  But, does this method really work or is it, figuratively and literally, bullshit?

There are numerous businesses specializing in cleansing of your rectal region and intestines.  At one such fine establishment in British Columbia, they say on their website that it is their business to keep your colon refreshed, healthy, and, as they claim, “toxin free”. Their motto is as follows: ”To administer medicines to diseases which have already developed is comparable to the behaviour of those persons who begin to dig a well after they have become thirsty, and of those who begin to make their weapons after they have already engaged in battle. Would those actions not be too late?” 

What the heck is that supposed to mean? What they mean is that a war is happening in your colon and small intestine and in order to fight the enemy, you must partake in what they refer to as colonic hydrotherapy. What is colonic hydrotherapy? It is when a  a soothing flow of warm water gently circulates throughout the colon, coaxing the body to yield the digested wastes that may have built up inside. Water in, fecal matter out. Colon clinics claim that an unhealthy colon has many symptoms, such as: headaches & migraines,dementia, drowsiness,  tics, stupor, bloating,  dermatological conditions, dry eyes, vision disturbances, heart arrhythmia, nausea, foul breath, irritability, flatulence, insomnia, photo phobia, ciatica,  ringing in ears, insanity, clammy skin,  malaise, bad dreams. It seems to me, then, that what they are saying is that all of North Americans’ health problems can be solved by taking an extended crap while having gentle soothing water run through their bowels.

If ass suction bliss is not what you are looking for (or maybe it is, and you should be on another site) there is ” The Master Colon Cleanse” - or as I call it the starvation diet. With a drop of maple syrup, lemon and cayenne spice, your intestines are sure to get that push they really need. Appartly the Maple syrup supplies all the nutrients the body requires to sustain itself. A good search through the Internet reveals maple syrup is a good source of magnesium and zinc, and has 34 calories in 2 tsps. You actually need more than Mg, Zn, and 34 calories a day. This sounds like anorexia to me. Who gives a shit about modern medicine when you can drink maple flavoured spicy water for two weeks and turn anorexic. Maybe this diet could also help me with that modelling career I’ve always wanted.

I’ll be honest, I have been torn between the decision to starve myself or getting my butt on the tread mill. Is it possible that the health stores I frequent, that tell me my body is toxic, and that I have to irradicate these toxins, is it possible they are wrong?? Yes, and not just according to me, but to leading medical experts. Michael Picco, M.D., at the Mayo Clinic (a leading international health authority) says, that not only are colon cleanses unnecessary, but that they may be harmful. “Your colon absorbs water and sodium to maintain your body’s fluid and electrolyte balance. Some colon-cleansing programs disrupt this balance, causing dehydration and salt depletion. Long-term or excessive cleansing programs can lead to problems such as anemia, malnutrition and heart failure.”

The question is, what ever happened to proper eating, exercise, and eating lots of fiber? I think I’ll stick to that.